Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.
- The Carpenters
sorry
so long
goodbye
<3 maybe a millenium later i ll walk with you on the highway,
rain drenched and jubilant
maybe i ll runaway with you
at night
because my dads gone mad
but then again
my dad is my dad
even if i dont love him
im still his daughter
and i dont call my dad a dickhead at least
so i dont think i will anyway
haha
sorry s all my fault
right?
me for running away from you
for my own reasons
dont think you know how i feel
think you must think im freakish
just poom disappear without any explanation
sorry
but if i explain
i thought you read my blog
i think?
i didnt reply you
because i didnt want to
because i didnt want to be stuck to you again
i want to stand up
when the stars are trying to get me down
and the waves are trying to drown me
i just have to stand up through the rain
you know
deal
with everything
which is why i dont have any hol hw left to do
feel stuck though
how stuffy can my damn hell room get
its irritating and frustrating but its worth it
haha
dont think you still come here right
i still reread it
i read pys blog and
im not sure if its the same post you read but i agree
those times when i didnt go with you
i went to find jasmine and friends
and well
you know
i kindof did cry a tad bit
no a lot actually
whats the point of telling you this
i dont want you to ask me anything
i dont think you ll ever return
so
you should just yeah,
keep it up
go on
heighten your status
enhance your physical appearance
really
whatever
im ignoring it, cross my heart and hope to die
i cant scold you alright
ive done it once before
and its not like im your mummy dearest
either
andim not in any position too
im working towards being the best person i can be
and im proud of my efforts
haha
i dunno what youd think
so good bye
so long
farewell
seeyousoon.
jean.
let your heart out.
it was a horrid and childish thing to do. i was looking for an opening, and there it was right in front of me.
i tried to improve myself, but it seems that when i take one step forward, i have to take another step back. stuck, trapped, surrounded, engulfed.
you guys will always be my friends okay, and nothing anyone say could affect our friendship. well for chloe it's a little different, but i'm okay with her now. i realise that for some friends, we need to keep a distance between us, or else it would sour. take for example eunice, she's okay now:)
if i'm the reason behind your nightmares, please tell me what i can do to chase them away.
my violence trait seems to be getting worst, and the smallest incidents trigger me. i dont know what to do with myself. i used to live for the future, cause always carried the hope that it will be better, i could look forward to happiness. but that dream falls apart so easily, and i see the lies that bound it tight. something within me tells me not to give up on myself, but i think i've already had.
oh my i think i need to see a psychologist, but everytime i want to broach the topic to my parents, i back down again. i can't forgive them and the insecurities of so many things...the questions fired, i have no answer.
would life get better?
what if things end up worst?
what should i do?
what could i do?
will it work?
what would happen?
should i just...
paranoid, i share that too. kris tells me not to be so paranoid or people would be irritated. cause most of the time i'm worried that people would hate me and i keep complaining to her. gosh and i whine a lot, which suck. i do not want to whine, it's so disgusting.
sorry for everything i did that hurt you, disturbed you, worried you.
i drive myself crazy and i dont know why?
the cause
the effect
the reason behind it all
how?
all these just made me realise that we are all alone, when we have to solve an identity crisis, ro something that you can't let go.
i'm reminded of a book i read, it was very good, and i wish i bought it. the title was 'the onion girl'
i quoted a bit of it in my blog, and everything about the book just feels so right, as if it was written for me:) jilly has some old hurt from her childhood that she couldn't let go, but she has to mend that part of her by herself, before she could truly start living her life. rather a weird book:)
i won't send you any sadistic msgs again because i'm not gonna be sadistic anymore.
how about lets go recess together this coming monday?
let your heart out.
sorry
what am i supposed to say now
i dont know
im just really confused
im not angry and im not depressed
im just sorta messed up everywhere
if i made you feel bad im sorry
you just
gave me and
many people that impression
i dont know
and i didnt know what the fuck i could do so i just did that post
well
and
i ve been having really weird dreams
two had you inside
the first one was:
my senior was wearing this weird bali outfit
she was holding a gong
and there were a lot of weird guys with the somewhat same outfit behind her
holding some kind of gong or knife or wdv
and they all stared like shit at me
and stared and stared and stared
and they all moved slowly
like uniformly,and like took one step at a time towards me
so i freaked
it was in school
so i screamed and i ran and ran and ran
and i bumped into jasmine
and i told her what was happening
then we ran to the toilet
and i saw adrian wong washing his face
and next to him was my that senior still in the bali clothes
and she was washing her face too
then adrian wong started telling me it was some sorta competition thingy
and he gave me this newspaper and highlighter
and told me to highlight all the sadistic phrases i could find
and you know what
the whole newspaper was full of your smses
all the i cut faith and irresistable wdv
and i started screaming
then i woke up really scared
the next one
which was ytds one
i was walking with you in school
and we were both very happy
and there was a lot of sunlight and all
then suddenly you disappeared
and i got really freaked again
then i woke up
ya
i dunno lah
very morbid
i think im paranoid or sth
im sad
i dunno
maybe we should just start over
and forget everything that happened so long ago
and be happy
i dunno
i miss you alots
im going to cry
i dunno why
sorry
let your heart out.
let your heart out.
aint this blog so dead
you dont tag anymore do you
what is happening to you
why must you do weird things to yourself
i mean
you can do whatever you want
but
dont have to tell me right
and when you tell me you smile like shit and tell me its really cool
EXCUSE ME
dont you remember how much it hurts my mum to see me cut
dont you remember how you stopped me doing that in that period of time
and now you re making it sound so good
what do you expect me to say
i didnt even give you my consent to accepting your situation of
'ooh,cutting is So coool
look i cut this here and here and here and im pretty satisfied!yaay!'
haha have yo any eq at all
so i go around and be nice and chummy with you
because i dont know what in the world to behave like
and i dont want to lose you
but
you re different kay
you re so
different
just because you have to .erm.move on?
make new friends?
yes people may misunderstand you
but how much do you misunderstand people?
and maybe you think im crapping all this shit up
and im just another goner friend to you
and i dont mean anything to you
everything is your those friends friends friends
and maybe you ll get those ohsocoool! friends to read this stupid post
and get mad at me and say all those fuck words and stuff and get so mad
or start cutting: 'jean sux' everywhere on your body
haha
have you evr thought
what scars you might ever leave behind?
and how much pain you have caused to certain people?
everything seems to be about yourself nowadays
you kinda hate your parents now right?
yeah
either your dad was senile
or your piano was old
but he didnt ask you
but you dont play your piano
so what if he did that?
you dont have to send some rubbish sms to me
spouting fuck and all
i wont do that if my dad does something like that to my piano
and hello
im more attached to mine than you to yours
and all the weird things you write on your blog
you re publicising everything
a lot of people know your blog alr you know?
and a lot of ppl tell me they think you re weird
and your studies
dont you give a hoot about that?
mrs tien gives a lot of hw
and
whoever other nasty teachers too.
but this is only the first term.
and you re not even doing your hw properly.
whose fault is that?
when im in a worse class than you and im completing almost all my hw on time
not boasting but
cant you see
youre ruining everything for yourself
this is only the first term
dont you rem all the teachers and everybody saying
that the terms following are much tougher than now?
and will grow even more so next year
if you plan to get past sec three,that is.
i dont know how good or bad your studies are
but in the long run
i dont know whether you and i and whoever else ll get retained
haha
theres a possibility though
and you know chloe?
how fucking long have you known her
before you made these new friends of yours
at least more than a year am i right?
and you know all her antics and good and bad points about her alr
you should know she always tries to use her talents to the fullest and tries to shine
you should know her very well alr
why do you choose NOW to show your displeasure and irritation?
and how did you fall out with py?
isit because of what your friend says?
hates her to the core so you cant be with her?
or isit because shes so horrid you cant stand her anymore
and
so
i dont know anymore
i wish youd change
i really do
i dont think you even read this blog anymore
do you even care about my feelings
maybe you do but
i dont know how you do that
i dont know if you ll scorn me after all this
i dont know if you ll ever write back or talk to me again
but the purpose of this post is to tell you about what is happening to you
you re so naive now to me
ive been through sth like that
so can you pull through too
or ruin yourself like you are now
i dont know
it aint jasmine or whoever asked me to write this shit
no
i just want you to wake up please
you of course go ahead being with your friends
but
well
at least
change your mind set?
do your hw?
plan for the future?
you can hate me if you want
its your body your mind your everything now aint it
but for your own sake
can you try and think
about what you really are
are you hiding behind a mask just to look popular
is this what you call true happiness all this while
how much have your new classmates have affected you
whether your mind and soul are truly sober
and whether you want to keep this blog going
which is the mark of our friendship?
i ll be pleasured to.
but only if you bother to.
-jean
let your heart out.
we shall go out
with alicia
and and
well.
yeah
just kickboxing
yay!
iloveyoutoo
happy my chunk of text helped you
hahha
i just wish we were all back together again
just like when roses were red and violets were blue
and oh how we felt the breeze in our hair
and the sun on our cheeks
and our feet flying past
i just wish we could share with each other again
smiles on our faces
laughs ringing in our ears
how we would cry together
exchange naughty winks
discuss upcoming outings
but all these
like a shadow they have flitted away
is it so hard then
after the higher authorities have separated us
that we may not be once again like
sparrows chirping hello
and we must stick close to our new company
forgetting what once had been true
but has now dwindled to nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
.
nothing?
love,jean<3
let your heart out.
just that...i cant seem to change anything no matter how hard i try. almost everytime i get a little break, something comes hurdling at me again. i cant dodge reality. ah but i'll continue to try, try till i see the brighter side of life? hahaha thanks jean and everyone else who were there, for just being there. you dont have to say anything, but your presense is enough.
oh yaay! kickboxing? oh mann that sounds awesome:D set the day and i'll be there, nothing can stop me:) and yes i do think i need to go out, my social life is negative two hundred now, so is my wardrobe. if anyone wants to go shopping for clothes, feel free to call me along!
sometimes i feel like im all alone again, like no one's there, the same emptiness all over again. not the physical kind of 'being there'. but some kind if spiritual..thingy?
we should definitely hang out more:) the new year brings along some baggage from the past but also some rather pleasant changes.
last line: LETS GO OUT!
let your heart out.